It’s All Overwhelming

If I found this blog and read all the self pity, I wonder if I would roll my eyes.

It feels like I make one step forward and five back right now. I’m currently on ESA benefits. I’ve been called in for a medical assessment and I’m terrified after reading so many horror stories about the process of late.

I filled in the form and sent a lot of evidence, including letters from doctors telling them that I’m in a suicdal state and not fit for work, but they still called me in.

I’m terrified of them sticking me into some sort of situation where I will have to look for work right now. It’s really flared up all my suicidal shit again and I can’t wishing I was with my Brian, even if that means killing myself.

 

I’m terrified. I haven’t seen another human being iIRL for weeks. I have a pile of unopened mail. I’m really scared.

A Week, Again……

And I feel weak now.

 

I guess the only thing is certain in life is that everything changes. I a heartbeat, all you know and all that you love is gone. In a heartbeat, you find yourself in a benefits office.

In a heartbeat, you can be happy, in the next- you’re in tears.

For about 5 solid days now I’ve been crying. It’s actually just dawned on me that I haven’t seen anyone face to face in that time. I had intended to go to a Buddhist Puja this morning. More letters and debts started arriving, so I had to spend a morning looking at them and I did at least start to make some phone calls to try and get some help.

I lied. I saw someone yesterday to try and get my housing benefit backdated. I feel so useless and I just got upset that I was even there. “Can we help you with a cooker or anything”? The thing is, our cooker broke. As I said yes, I would love to get some help buying a cooker, it all hit me and all I could do was hold back the tears as much as I could.

I’m 49. I have no career, no skills, no job and no life.

In a heartbeat I want to die again. In a heartbeat, suicide feels inevitable again. I just know that as soon as my dog dies, I will.

In a hearbeat, I hope things work out.

 

 

 

The Tides and the Turns……

The suicide shit has lessened.

It’s a really weird feeling, being on your own. I still find it tremendously overwhelming when I look to the mind’s eyes horizon. All I see is me and me alone. I find that quite daunting, to say the least.

I should do some positives now, but it’s so hard as I’m crying. There’s clearly a lot to be said for writing, no matter how trivial the entries, I should do this more.

So positives.?

As I mentioned above, the suicidal thoughts haven’t been so strong. Perhaps jotting my thoughts on that in here made me feel a bit….. I don’t want to use the word better, I don’t feel any ‘better’…….made me feel a bit grounded. 

Grounded, it’s a word I hear used a lot by therapists, I don’t actually like it, but for now it stays.

It’s going to be a year of firsts for me and I’m not looking forward to any. When I am more grounded, the importance of my Buddhist practice kindly slaps me in the face and reminds me that if I’m going to get through this, mindfulness is the key.

I have a heap of practical stuff in my own life to sort out and the bills… Not just my own bills, but Brian’s stuff as well. I paid for the funeral now, but I have no money.

No money. No skills, no job…. Brian was the adult. we were happy with our roles, we both did well at our roles. I wish he was here. I spend every day wishing he was here.

If anyone ever does see this, please understand that this is an exercise for me I guess, a wall I can speak to and a wall I can throw my feeling at and have a look to see how it feels..

I’m emotional today as last year I bought Brian a Laburnum tree for his birthday. We never got around to planting it, so I have to do that soon as it would die in the pot. I’m also going to put the dog’s ashes under it. I was digging the garden and I just feel like I was making a mess and destroying his good work.

This is all a reflection of my mental state (what the fuck happened to me being positive). I’m in a state of mind where I think “shit, Brian was handed a dodgy set of cards in this life”. he was. I keep on thinking that I have been one of those dodgy cards. How much happier he might have been without me. It isn’t the best train of thoughts to get stuck in.

It’s Sunday

Sunday’s are the most brutal. 28 years and to be honest, not many Sunday’s have ever been spent alone, mostly of course with Brian.

Today, I haven’t done much. Maybe running right now would help, I’m out with an injury until Tuesday.

I just had a call from the Crisis centre making sure that I will be there for the appointment tomorrow. I can’t ever see the point in calling them, they only truly seem interested in suicide watching, making sure it doesn’t happen that night/day.

Suicide has again today been at the forefront of my thoughts. ‘What would Brian think?’ Brian has gone and I don’t know what he would think. He would tell me to live. Living feels so incredibly lonely. I actually think he might understand if he could see how much I’m hurting.

It hit me today when I was walking the streets of London, openly crying with every step, I’ve really managed to cut myself off from everyone. Not that I had many people to speak to. The ones I am, I realise that I’ve stopped being honest with my feelings to them. Others aren’t calling any longer.

I can probably (and will) go for weeks without seeing anyone. An odd juxtaposition – I want to be alone, but a side of me quakes in fear of how unhealthy that is.

I’m flipping a coin in my head – to get better, to give it up………

All I know is that I want this pain to stop, I want to have a day where the crying doesn’t feel endless.

So……………

I’m going to start using this as a journal for my way of clawing myself to wherever this takes me.

My partner died, a week before Christmas.

 

He really was my everything and more. Now I’m left in so much pain and sorrow, the thought of living weighs more heavily than the act of going.

 

think I had one or two good folk that actually followed this nonsense and may see these. If you see me talking about suicide, please – don’t be alarmed.

I’m going to keep shit real and see how I’m doing.

 

There will be talk about suicide. I want to die. That thought sometimes gets me upset, that upset has to be healthy. I also get upset about the thought of living without my beautiful Brian even more. A lifetime away and alone is just too awful.

 

I will update regularly. Unless you see me saying that I definitely have a time and place to kill myself, don’t get me fucking sectioned and call the police.

 

I’m fine, I’m reasoned. I’m sad and I want to heal. Healing isn’t forthcoming right now. I’m doubting if it ever can be.