The suicide shit has lessened.
It’s a really weird feeling, being on your own. I still find it tremendously overwhelming when I look to the mind’s eyes horizon. All I see is me and me alone. I find that quite daunting, to say the least.
I should do some positives now, but it’s so hard as I’m crying. There’s clearly a lot to be said for writing, no matter how trivial the entries, I should do this more.
As I mentioned above, the suicidal thoughts haven’t been so strong. Perhaps jotting my thoughts on that in here made me feel a bit….. I don’t want to use the word better, I don’t feel any ‘better’…….made me feel a bit grounded.
Grounded, it’s a word I hear used a lot by therapists, I don’t actually like it, but for now it stays.
It’s going to be a year of firsts for me and I’m not looking forward to any. When I am more grounded, the importance of my Buddhist practice kindly slaps me in the face and reminds me that if I’m going to get through this, mindfulness is the key.
I have a heap of practical stuff in my own life to sort out and the bills… Not just my own bills, but Brian’s stuff as well. I paid for the funeral now, but I have no money.
No money. No skills, no job…. Brian was the adult. we were happy with our roles, we both did well at our roles. I wish he was here. I spend every day wishing he was here.
If anyone ever does see this, please understand that this is an exercise for me I guess, a wall I can speak to and a wall I can throw my feeling at and have a look to see how it feels..
I’m emotional today as last year I bought Brian a Laburnum tree for his birthday. We never got around to planting it, so I have to do that soon as it would die in the pot. I’m also going to put the dog’s ashes under it. I was digging the garden and I just feel like I was making a mess and destroying his good work.
This is all a reflection of my mental state (what the fuck happened to me being positive). I’m in a state of mind where I think “shit, Brian was handed a dodgy set of cards in this life”. he was. I keep on thinking that I have been one of those dodgy cards. How much happier he might have been without me. It isn’t the best train of thoughts to get stuck in.